true story, i totally intended on writing & posting an update here on October 3rd (& the title remains the same as it was when I first thought of it even though this update is definitely not what I intended to write that day, so title may not be relevant at all!).

AKA the first day of my 2-day work week. because I’m dumb and think I can handle doing anything other than working and resting on work days (I can’t).

then I apparently needed two more whole days of just rest—which makes sense because September was heavy-duty on the work schedule and it’s only NOW that I’m finally getting into my actual rotation with its longer stretches of days off.

adding to this irony, the newsletter I just sent out to the Wild List was all about rest! and how I’m trying to be better at doing it!

all while planning on doing more than I am capable of. Peak Katje. the ADHD persists but so do I.

anyway. let’s get into it.

more regular???

I want to get into more regular “here’s what’s happening in Katjeland” updates here, so I’m setting myself to a schedule based on moon phases.

updates will be 2x a cycle, equalling roughly 2x a month, though sometimes 3x depending on how the moon syncs up. I’ll be updating here on first and third quarters while I attempt to update the newsletter on new and full moons.

why? because the moon is a wild circle.

also timing things to the moon just makes sense to my ADHD witchy brain okay.

ALSO, going forward, updates will be fully public unless they have more sensitive personal stuff in them (or if they’re tier-specific).

rewrites continue along with my descent into madness

I have a chapter to share with y’all actually and that was another thing I planned to do on the weekend that didn’t happen. so it’ll happen tonight, by which I mean to say I will schedule posts tonight.

chapter is 11K so I’m splitting it up again!

currently working on the next chapter, which surprised me. the chapter I’m about to share is a Ghia chapter and I took three chapters from the original and shoved them together into one—thinking I wouldn’t need the Jules chapter in the original spot after her first one in the first book.

but no, apparently Jules does need to be in there before Yarrow. his chap should be short, however.

I just need to write it. I just need to write the whole thing.

I realize now I was insane to start a rewrite of this book in March and still plan to release it this year. I mean, I do still plan to release it this year, but it’s a crazy time crunch at this point.

this is the thing about ADHD and how it causes me to descend into madness on a regular basis. because I CAN bust out 15 hours of work in 8 hours time when I get into hyperfocus. I CAN pull of these amazing feats.

and because I can, I assume I will.

more than that, I also assume that I can handle writing to deadline w/ a day job and my chronic illness.

(I can’t. I know I can’t. but I still plan as if I can.)

even when I try to plan for extra time to rest, I still manage to overplan myself for the time I have.

every.

single.

time.

so yeah right now I am staring into the abyss a little.

I am a crazy-ambitious person to start with, and every single time I attempt something and fail (which is most of the time; my success rate is astonishingly low) I beat myself up for being stupid.

and then I do the same damn thing again.

can I finish this book in time for a December 23 release? I have no fucking clue. probably not, if we’re being honest.

and the fact that the honest answer is “probably not” makes me want to quit right now. throw in the towel. give up.

so I have to be delulu and believe it’s possible, or I won’t continue.

and then when I do fail, I will fall into a maw of depression where I spend 100% of my time beating myself up for being stupid.

so, yeah, that’s how the rewrites are going. I am questioning every decision I have ever made in my life and wondering if I shouldn’t just throw in the towel and quit.

but then I get into the writing and get to hang out with my characters again and I know I can’t ever quit-quit. not for keeps.

so I just need to quit doing this to myself. somehow.

heavy in your arms

(aka the song on repeat as I write this)

sundry updates

• 
  

  I’m seeing the general surgeon for consultation on my 4 hernias on the 13th.

• 
  

  still working on the Wild Circle website for y’all.

  
  
• 
  

  haven’t read a damn thing since September.

• 
  

  I’m considering getting a Brick for my phone so I stop doomscrolling. short form content is rotting my brain but I can’t stop. (there are some really good series out there, people basically doing 1-person short films and sharing them—golden age of indie filmmakers right now—but mindlessly scrolling through them is what’s rotting my brainmeats.)

• 
  

  please vote in my poll if you haven’t! be a part of the rewrite and worldbuilding processes!

  
  

there’s another thought I’m having but I’ll have to wait on it. needs to coalesce a bit more before I can say it out loud. if I do. maybe I’ll forget.

okay. I’m off to write that Jules chapter!

much love,

Katje